Military Love: 6 Secrets to Making It Work

For some reason, military couples sometimes come under fire from the world as being “risky.”  Some like to think military couples struggle more than most couples.  (This is not true, for the record).  But maybe some military couples feel like they do struggle more than most of their friends…and maybe they feel like the military is a contributing factor.  Or the big factor.

It doesn’t have to be.

There may not be a one-size-fits-all solution to couple-troubles.  But I’d like the share some of the ways that I have seen other couples maintain, strengthen, and enjoy their relationship in the military.  Leave a comment below sharing your secret to success.  We could all benefit from the knowledge!

 Keep Your Roles

While it’s important to explore new places, and new situations for yourselves as a couple, don’t lose sight of your “traditional roles” together.  And I don’t mean the roles that others deem “traditional.”  I am strictly talking about your personal traditional roles.  If her role is to be the easy-going “fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants” person, then that needs to stick around when your relationship enters the military.  If she all of a sudden switches to the type-A planner girl and has a really, really, really hard time with the spontaneity of the military, then that is going to negatively effect the relationship.

I’m not saying it’s bad to struggle.  Struggling is normal.  And I’m not saying everyone has to make a smooth and seamless transition to the military life.

I simply mean that you can’t stop being you when your relationship heads into the military.  Yes, adapt.  That’s important.  But adapting is different than shelving the “person you were” before you became a military couple.  If you have always been a homemaker–the girl who cooks and cleans and has the laundry done and dried before every Monday–don’t stop doing that just because you are a military couple and life gets crazy.  Yes, it’s important to stretch yourself, in order to grow as a person and as a couple.  But you have your “roles” for a reason.  Often those roles are what made you click in the beginning, and usually they played a part in your attraction to each other.  So honor those roles and let them play out in your military relationship.

The Love Languages

I’m sure you’ve heard of these before.  And maybe you’re the kind of person that has tried them out and thinks they are too formulaic.  That they “box” you in.  Or maybe you haven’t tried them at all but have heard about it from someone else and thinks it sounds dumb.

I would challenge you to simply take this test.  (I’m NOT sponsored by the brand at all.  Just a super big fan.)  You don’t have to read the book, though I love it.  You don’t have to do any of the suggested “love actions.”  And you definitely don’t have to harness your relationship with one single expression of love.  All you have to do is 3 things:

1. Identify your love language needs.  (narrow down what makes you feel most loved in your relationship)
2. Identify your soldier’s love language needs. (narrow down what you know makes them feel loved best).
3. Find ways to implement both languages into your military life.

I know step 3 doesn’t sound as simple as the other two, but it doesn’t have to be complicated.  Every single love language is “compatible” and most are complementary with each other.  Taking a few minutes (or days) to reflect on how you can best incorporate these languages in your relationship can have monumental impact on your life with your soldier.  And if you do want some suggestions on how to best express those languages, the book has a few ideas.

Don’t Play the Blame Game

This is common advice to any couple, I know.  But it’s so important that I couldn’t leave it out!  Trying to point fingers or figure out “who is at fault” is never the clear solution to a problem.  But the blame game can be especially toxic in a military relationship.  Because there will be a lot of last-minute changes, frustrations, and obstacles that pop up on a weekly basis.  Things that are nobody’s fault.

Just because your soldier had the courage and confidence to say “yes” to the military doesn’t mean that they have foresight and responsibility over every turn that happens.  Your soldier can’t see into the future.  And they also don’t have authority over every (or most) decisions that happen during the course of their career.

Things can get difficult if your soldier doesn’t seem to realize how hard some aspect of the life is on you.  If they are excited about an assignment that you’re not, it can feel like they are at fault.  Maybe your soldier is oblivious to the fact that their training schedule was really hard on you.  Just try to remember that oblivion is not the same thing as responsibility.  It’s okay to be upset that they don’t understand you (see the paragraph above about communicating).  But don’t make the mistake of thinking that just because you are upset, that the hardship the military has dealt out is somehow their fault.

Deployments are hard no matter what.  But making your soldier feel bad that they got assigned on one will only make matters worse.  For both of you.  Rather than blame your soldier for what you dislike about your military life, try to communicate what you are disliking.

The important fact here is: “what” is the problem and not “who” is to blame for it.

Learn to Lean on Each Other

You might not be the needy type.  And your soldier might not be either.  But with an extremely flexible life that changes fairly often and very rapidly, you will be grateful for having something you can actually rely on.  The sooner you learn that you are the only “constant” in each other’s life, the better.

Contrary to popular myth, the military life can be extremely bonding for a couple.  While civilians may confuse the periods of separation as a recipe for disaster or the high-levels of stress as fuel for fights– many military couples are some of the strongest amongst their civilian counterparts.  It all comes down to the ever-popular but oh-so-true quote that military love is like wind to fire–“it extinguishes the weak and kindles the great.”

It is imperative in your relationship to learn that no matter what happens, you will be together at the end of the day.  This can be an enormous motivator during times of separation.  Or it can be an important reality when you’re trying to decide which assignment to take.  No matter what post you get assigned to, what your pay bump is, or how many months you’re apart– at the end of the day, at the end of the year, you will be with each other.

Be Flexible

You knew I was going to say this.  It’s the most cliche (but totally true) advice to any military couple.  I couldn’t leave it off the list!

Adaptable.  Chill.  Easy going.  All of those count as being flexible…and any one of them is going to be crucial to a smooth military love life.  Because at the end of the day, the military requires flexibility, both in it’s soldiers and in their families.  And if your love life is going to exist and thrive in a military atmosphere, then it’s going to need to be flexible as well.

When I say flexible, I don’t mean lowering your expectations for your relationship or love life.  I simply mean that your love needs may need to “look different” depending on the situation.  I spoke about this more in depth in my post Military Love: Maximize Your Military Love Life but basically: the military might impose circumstances on your relationship that you wouldn’t otherwise choose.  Separation.  Relocation.  And if your love life is flexible, then these circumstances will merely be characters in your storybook romance.  But they won’t become the author.

Flexibility will be easier sometimes and harder other times.  Sometimes flexibility will simply mean keeping it together when dinner is on the table and your soldier can’t make it home in time.  Other times flexibility will mean celebrating your child’s birthday a week late when your soldier is home from the field.  Simply put, flexibility is not letting the military “get to you.”  Because once it starts getting to you, it will control you and your relationships.  And you need to be the one in control of your relationship if your going to maintain, grow, and enjoy it!

Communicate Like a Champion

This one can be really tough, but it is hands down the most important item on the list.  Communication is the oil in any relationship.  But it especially imperative in a relationship that is punctuated with separation, adventure, stress, emotion, and unpredictability.

You don’t have to be perfect at communicating, you just have to try.  Even if you don’t think you’re very good at it, or you haven’t had success in the past, try again.  In many ways, communication is like a muscle.  It needs to be exercised.  Even the flabbiest muscle can get stronger!!  And even a toned one can get weak.  While it does require attention and perseverance, the payoff is enormous.  A couple that has great communication skills can navigate a variety of hardships and excel at handling those at some of the most inconvenient times.

When you think of skills that a military spouse needs, you first thoughts might run to things like “adaptability,” “courage,” “flexibility,” “selflessness,” and “trust.”  And those skills are all extremely important in a spouse, especially a military one!  But communication is right up there with those traits.  A spouse who is willing, and able, to express themselves and then sit and listen to their spouse’s reciprocation will be leagues ahead of the curveballs military life likes to throw.

Communication can’t save you from hardships, but it can save your relationship.

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I know there are so many more secrets to making love work in the military, but these 6 are my favorite.  I really meant it when I asked you to share your secrets in the comment section below.  Sharing knowledge is one of the best kept traditions in the military!  If you have a secret to making your military love work, please take a moment to share it with us so that we can all learn something special!

*Read next: Military Love: Maximize Your Military Love Life*

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