I’m a worrier.

 

Not a warrior.  A worrier.

 

I didn’t use to be.  In my days of innocent youth, the only thing that caused me stress was an enormous workload of college homework, or interpersonal conflict with people I couldn’t avoid.

 

The latter still stresses me out. (old habits die hard?)

 

But really– it didn’t matter WHAT was going on, I just rarely got stressed out or worried over things.

 

And then my husband joined the Army.

 

And then we had not one but two kids. (edited: three!)

 

Somewhere in between those events, I became that mom with WebMD perpetually pulled up on my phone and a bad habit of fearing the worst.

 

I know I’m not the only one.  Some of my military wife friends have sworn to never read the headlines.  Others won’t watch war movies.  And if you look up the topic of “army wife” on Google Trends, “Adultery” is topic number one and “Affairs” is topic number 5.

 

You guys, WHY do we worry so much?

 

The scientific reason behind it probably has to do with our “set point” which is our fixed spot on the happiness spectrum.  That set point is influenced of course by our personality but also by our situation (AKA the stressful military life).  <- for more information on “set points” and the happiness spectrum, read Start Here by Eric Langshur and Nate Kemp.

 

But really, WHY is our life more “stressful” than the average lifestyle?

 

I think there are 3 common reasons among military families of ANY duty station, MOS, or rank:

 

1. Our military spouse has a job that has more “life-threatening elements” than many other jobs
2. Daily life is unpredictable: work hours fluctuate, PCSing and deployments “spring up”, etc
3. More than likely, we have had to leave behind friends and family, giving us “lonely” periods

 

Obviously other factors can play a role, like that fact that the military lifestyle isn’t a rich one and money strains can add to stress.  But I think danger, unpredictability, and loneliness can be unanimously the top three reasons we experience stress.

 

There is really only one reason why we need to STOP worrying about those 3 things (or any other factors that are causing us daily/lifetime stress):

 

worrying doesn’t actually affect the future, just the present.

 

Is worrying going to keep your soldier safe?

 

Will stressing over the move prevent you from having to PCS?

 

Does anxiety about feeling lonely stop you from feeling lonely?

 

Worrying doesn’t actually help accomplish anything.  It just adds to the burdens we are already weathering.

 

And let’s break down those top 3 stress-factors anyways.

 

 

 1. worrying about the safety of our spouses

 

An extremely valid concern.  But do some research on the top 10 causes of American deaths (if we are being extreme).  Heart disease, cancer, and respiratory disease make up for 50% of all deaths in the US.  “Accidents” which I think danger-related deaths would fall under, make up for 5.2% of ALL Americans.  For further reference, only 0.5% of the population even serves in the military.

 

Am I trying to say that our spouses are totally safe?  That their job is safer than if they were a barista or banker or entrepreneur?  Nope.  And I’m definitely not undermining the level of sacrifice that they undertake by serving.  What I’m trying to get at is that there is a higher risk of losing your spouse to cancer or disease than death on the line of duty.

 

So don’t let his/her job keep you up at night (I’m not the only one who does that…right?) Be proud of their courage and learn to be courageous with them.  It will take you a lot farther in life than worrying will.

 

2. daily life is super unpredictable

 

Unfortunately, I don’t have any statistics to show that our lives are more predictable than other people’s.  Because our schedules kinda are some of the craziest ones out there.  BUT there are some predictabilities that can help ease the pain:

 

• the world’s most predictable paycheck
• extremely predictable pay raises (you can literally google them)
• very predictably attractive uniforms (jk. actually no jk).

 

Really though, if unpredictability is your TOP concern you are in luck.

 

Because unlike the fear of losing your spouse, having stress about change or struggling to adapt to unpredictability can be managed by coping skills.

 

I’m not referring to clinical anxiety or depression that is triggered by unpredictability (I’m not qualified to touch on that subject).  What I’m talking about here is the super uncomfortable and very frustrating “revolving door” lifestyle that can continue to pull the rug out from under your feet.

 

Examples:

 

• You just enroll your child in school for the year and find out you’re PCSing in 3 months
• Your spouse is supposed to be attending a school for a while and the dates change on you
• You get 4 weeks notice to PCS and the post you’re moving to has no housing available
• It’s your anniversary and you bought tickets to see Justin Timberlake and then your husband has to go to the field for 2 weeks…not speaking from personal experience *twitch twitch*

 

As uncomfortable as it might be, nobody ever died from unpredictability.  Having trouble coping with change or getting anxiety from it CAN be a very frustrating thing, but luckily it is something that can be managed, worked on, and improved.

 

Finding a tribe of military spouses always helps.  As does the fact that you have no choice. *sobs* (kidding. kind of) No but really, the longer you experience it, the easier it gets.  You might need medication.  You might need a therapist.  Or you might just need extra self-care like massages and meditation.  But you CAN muscle your way through unpredictability and find ways to alleviate that stress.

 

(For extreme cases of fear-of-the-unpredictable, difficulty coping with change, or anxiety related to the lifestyle call 800-342-9647 to see if you can receive free counseling).

 

 

3.  leaving behind friends and family can make us feel lonely

 

It’s obviously true that leaving behind your “hometown” can be tough if it was your safety net for years and years.  Similarly, having a friend be a “phone call away” is a lot different than having them be a “Starbucks-run” away.  I can say for my part, that leaving people you are close to never gets easier with time.

 

But I will also say, sometimes the idyllic situation we leave behind wasn’t going to stay that way forever, anyways.  If you don’t move, someone else (even civilian) still will.  Amazing neighborhoods can take a turn for the worse. Economy can plummet in even the most perfect small towns.  (I sound like a real doomsday prepper here)…

 

But my point is– don’t beat yourself up for “giving up everything” because to be honest: you wouldn’t really be doing that if you weren’t getting something even greater out of it. Yes, you have to leave something behind (friends or familiar town) but in exchange, you’re enabling your spouse to pursue their career and you’re building your life with them.

 

It’s honestly a tradeoff that’s worth it.

 

The loneliness factor is real.  Even with the best possible tradeoff in the world.  Unless you’re PCSing to a place where a bunch of your friends already live (or a place that’s close to family), more than likely you are going to go through an initial period of loneliness.

 

That’s normal.

 

Maybe not easy, but normal.  And there ARE ways to get out of the loneliness phase (aka making friends).  Yes, it’s harder to make friends as an adult sometimes than it was when you were a kid.  And uprooting your job/school may not always be easy. But you wouldn’t have made it this far if you could only handle easy.

 

Trust yourself.  You can make it through anything–even a bit of loneliness.

 

And until you have been able to set down roots in your new place, you still have the friends you left behind…who are still just that one phone call away.

 

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What challenges you about the military lifestyle?  If you have a favorite tip or trick, please share in the comments below.  We’re all in this together and our experiences make each other stronger!  Thanks for stopping by.

 

*Read next: An Open Letter to Military Moms: I was an Army Brat too*