This post is for my fellow over-thinkers! If you have already said “goodbye” before, or don’t like the nuances of goodbyes, this post is not for you! Just scroll past and read my Open Letter.

 

I may or may not need to get the obvious out of the way: at some point in every single military career, you will have to say goodbye to your soldier.

 

Another obvious point: everyone has a different way of saying goodbye.

 

Final obvious point: it’s always hard.

 

Today, we are taking a look at the variables that make up goodbyes to find the perfect fit for your goodbye.

 

There are a few “factors” that effect every relationship and goodbye:

 

 

 

 

And that may seem like a lot of factors. But we want to be realistic here and so these are the kinds of things to be considering.

 

 

1. Relation to Soldier

 

This is important for two reasons. It determines how significant this goodbye is to your soldier, and it also effects the timing of the goodbye. If you are a parent and your soldier lives with you, you might be his or her very last goodbye before stepping onto the bus, plane, etc. But if you are the wife or husband of a soldier, you definitely will be. Plan the timing of your goodbye based on how many other people your soldier will need time to say goodbye to.

 

If you are a friend or a parent who doesn’t live with your soldier, don’t wait to say goodbye in the last few hours of their departure. They will be preoccupied by the goodbyes they still haven’t said yet. And if you ARE their last goodbye, save it for the moment they are walking away, so they have closure. You don’t want to say goodbye, then get in the car and drive them to the airport, so then they feel like they need to say goodbye a second time. And if they don’t, it might hurt you a little bit to be standing there wondering if there is another goodbye coming.

 

 

2. Ability to Contact

 

 

This one helps with the tone of the goodbye. If you’re saying goodbye but will be able to call, Skype, or email, take a moment before your actual goodbye to plan your next point of contact.

 

THIS HELPS TREMENDOUSLY.

 

Then you are simply saying “goodbye for now.” And when you say goodbye, reiterate when you will talk next. This is for you and for them.

 

 

3. Duration of Separation

 

Again, you can base the tone of your goodbye off of when you will next see each other. If you will be reunited in 10 weeks for Basic Training Graduation, you can hug them and assure them you can’t wait to be reunited in 10 “short” weeks (admittance: it doesn’t feel short).

 

If it will be a year-long deployment, it’s okay to mention too that it’s going to be a long time and that’s hard for you, but that you will be waiting for your loved one on the other side, and every day during that time. Sometimes being real about the time of separation is easier than pretending it will fly by.

 

 

4. Safety Concerns

 

Unfortunately, this effects the tone too, and not always in the best way. Saying goodbye to a loved one and fearing for his or her safety is never easy.

 

It never will get easy either.

 

So if this is your situation, be kind to yourself and don’t expect to be able to avoid thoughts like this during your goodbye. Just be easy on yourself, and be honest if this goodbye is hard for you. Acknowledging that is always easier than holding it in.  Give yourself permission to worry, but not to obsess.

 

5. Personality Type

 

This is important to know going into the goodbye. Both your temperament and your soldier’s. Not only will this ensure that you say goodbye in the “way” that best satisfies your personality, but most of all will ensure neither of you have hurt feelings or miscommunications.

 

Goodbyes are NOT a good time for getting hurt.

 

Go into the goodbye with realistic expectations based on your temperament.

 

Example: an introverted  girlfriend/boyfriend might hope for a private, romantic goodbye that will provide memories to last her the 6 months of separation. An extroverted soldier will thrive with a big going-away fanfare and will need the last moments to be happy and filled with sentiments of “feeling excited” for their undertaking.

 

Give some thought to your personality types so you can best give each other the goodbye you want, and so neither of you are disappointed by your differences.  (I talk extensively about personality types here).

 

 

6. Love Language

 

Much like the consideration above, your love language and that of your soldier will definitely play a role in your expectations.

 

Better than that though, it will also play a role in helping you fulfill each other’s goodbye needs.

 

Each person has a favorite way of receiving love, and expressing it.  Consider which mode of expression is your favorite, and if that will suit the needs of your solder, and vice versa.  (I talk more about that here, and you can take the love language test if you’re not sure what yours is).

 

This does NOT need to be an area of compromise.  There is time and space for you to both have your love languages spoken and received, as long as you put a little thought into it.  Example: a physical touch person will need a long, special, meaningful hug…and a gift giving person will need a special goodbye present.  Plan ahead for each other, and do both!

 

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Remember, no matter how much you make plans, the Army has a way of changing them!

 

So don’t think up a goodbye that is so elaborate and so detailed that you will be disappointed if it doesn’t turn out exactly as you planned.  Just try to keep these kinds of things in mind as you envision and “plan” your goodbye.  It will reduce the chance for miscommunication and disappointment in the actual moment of your goodbye.  And even though goodbyes stink, it will give you the perimeters to shape the most “perfect” version of a goodbye for you and your soldier.

 

If you have any goodbye tips to share, please leave them in the comment section below.  Sharing is caring and we could all use the advice!