10 Coping Mechanisms That Actually Work For Kids During Deployment

If this is your first time visiting my blog, welcome!

I wear many hats around here but my most commonly worn hat is the military wife one.

I’m taking that hat off right now.

Today, I’m writing this as an Army brat.

I’m dipping into my memory bank and heart here. So if any of these ideas or coping mechanisms sound crazy or totally unattainable…sorry, ahead of time! Sometimes kids expect the impossible from their parents. What can I say? haha

I was an Army brat for my entire childhood and my parents tried lots of different tactics to help my 5 sisters and I cope during my dad’s deployments. Today, I’m sharing coping mechanisms that actually work. Ones that got me through.

Again, as a mother myself I now realize some of these aren’t that easy to do. But as a kid, these made a difference to me! And now I hope they can make a difference for your military brat too!

1. Plan Ahead for Holidays

Plan ahead (as best you can). If mom or dad is going to miss the holiday due to deployment or separation, find a way to leave something behind for celebration day. Having a box of chocolates in the closet for a few months before Valentine’s day, with Daddy’s handwriting, means a lot. It means more than you would think!

2. Let Your Brat Decide When to Celebrate a Holiday

Kids LOVE celebrating with both parents. If they say they are okay with putting off Christmas because of a deployment or field exercise, then put off Christmas. Don’t assume they want Christmas without your soldier. Adults pay attention to timeliness far more than children do. Even if all their friends celebrate Christmas on time. If they want to wait, let them wait. Forcing fun is worse than just letting them have their way. Same goes for PCSing. If they’d rather celebrate their birthday early so that their friends can be there, throw their birthday party before you move. Leave it up to them. (They actually have opinions about this kind of thing).

3. Establish An Adjusted Routine

Try to reduce the very obvious hole of missing a parent in your child’s daily routine. But only make the routine “adjusted” because you don’t want their new deployment routine to be totally different from the norm. Or extremely regimented. Such enormous change and restriction is really overwhelming. But make some minor adjustments that help cover up for the fact that a parent is missing. If your solider comes home at the same time of evening every day (lucky you!), consider going outside during that time and playing with the dog or watering the plants. Something to keep everyone busy during a time they would otherwise start missing their parent.

4. Let Them Cry

Even if it hurts you to see them sad, don’t ask them to bury their feelings. The military brat stigma about “emotional problems” simply stems from children having to bottle feelings for the sake of being tough. Going to bed without crying is not going to make Daddy come home faster, so don’t ask them to do that. If you force them to bottle their emotions, you inadvertently teach them that their feelings are out of place and invaluable in the situation. Allow them to express their emotions to you, even the negative ones. Adults get used to having “no one care” about their feelings–but kids aren’t that jaded yet. When they are feeling something, they like people to know. Let your military brat cry to you.

5. Come up with Countdowns

Counting down to homecoming is an especially effective way to help manage separation. Pinterest is full of great ideas for countdown activities. Some of my favorites are pull-off calendars and candy jars filled with a special number of candies signifying the homecoming. Get creative and get individual! Each child can have their own way of counting down, but encourage all your children to have a way. It really does keep morale up, for you and for them.

6. Fill Your Home With Reminders of Your Soldier

Record stories before he/she leaves. Have pictures on the fridge. Print out new ones if they sends any. Even if it’s tough for you to see your soldier “everywhere” because you miss him/her–it’s NOT tough for them. It helps them. Tremendously. They need to still feel like their parent is present in their life. The divorce syndrome that is rumored to effect military brats comes from situations where everyone emotionally blocks the “presence” of a separated military parent. Don’t let them feel like he/she isn’t there. When I was a kid, pictures were my favorite way to remember my dad. And now there are so many photo gift options out there for your kids, including “Daddy dolls.” (not an affiliate link) These kinds of Daddy reminders aren’t cheesy, they are really valuable to military kids! We love them.

7. Leave Gifts Before Departure

You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy distraction! A new toy will never make up for a hole that your parent leaves. But having something new and fun can definitely ease the blow and provide some very necessary distraction. This is especially true if the gifts are left “from” the departing parent. It makes a big difference to children to have something to “hold onto” that their parent left behind for them, whether that’s a stuffed animal or a favorite music album. Gifts do matter to children, of any age.

8. Do Something Fun You Don’t Normally Do

This will help you too. When the separation just gets to that mundane never-ending month of missing your soldier and feeling like time has stopped, it’s good to shake things up. Do a pizza night, sign up for an activity, or take a trip to your favorite local park. Kids do thrive on routine. But fun and spontaneity are ingredients to resetting life and making the routine that much more enjoyable. Kids need a break from the predictable, every now and then. And so do you!

9. Interact During Separation

This obviously isn’t always possible. But if you’ve got the chance to catch Daddy on Skype or talk over the phone, let your kids participate. Seeing their parent face to face or hearing their voice can be immensely reassuring. And if you’re completely unable to contact your soldier, create an atmosphere of connection by sitting down together and writing letters or emails. A one-sided communication is always, always better than no communication at all. Just as writing to your spouse is cathartic for you, writing a note to Dad or Mom is a very real way for your child to feel connected.

10. Plan a Homecoming Celebration

You’ve probably given some thought as to what you’ll wear when you pick your soldier. It can be comforting and motivating to plan your spouse’s homecoming day. This is no different for your children! Include them in some of your homecoming plans…even if it’s as simple as letting them make a banner. You could take it further and let them plan something they want to do on the first weekend your spouse is home. This doesn’t have to be a big block party. But just a special day (not the actual homecoming day since those are so unpredictable) where you celebrate your togetherness, as planned by your children.

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Did I miss any favorite coping mechanisms? Which ones have you tried for your military brats during deployment and how have they worked out? Sharing is caring and the comment section helps educate all of us in the Army family! Thanks so much for stopping by. And since April is the month of the military child– go spoil your military brats! They deserve it!