Military Love: The Secret to Not Over-Adapting

 

 

The most common piece of relationship advice you’ll here in military circles:

Adapt.

Everyone agrees that the military life requires a great deal of adapting, especially if you were a couple before your significant other joined the military.  Especially that.  But on your journey of adaptation…how do you keep from going too far?  Is it possible to over-adapt?

I don’t think so, consciously.

But I think if you let the military lifestyle, the tides of change, and anything else like that completely overwhelm you, it kind of can.  The equation works like this:

The military offers challenges.  You over-adapt.  Your romantic relationship suffers.  You blame the military.

Nobody does it on purpose.  But it can happen if you’re not on your guard.

So how do you keep from over-adapting?

There is no perfect solution to finding the right adaption-balance.   Some people have to adjust their daily schedule, while others have to adjust their daily outlook on life.  It’s different for every person and every situation.  But there is one universal secret to not over-adapting, no matter your personality, military situation, or romantic relationship:

Preserve your respective “role” in the relationship. 

Basically, while it’s important to explore new places, and new situations for yourselves as a couple, don’t lose sight of your “traditional roles” together.  And I don’t mean the roles that others deem “traditional.”  I am strictly talking about your personal traditional roles.

If her role is to be the easy-going “fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants” person, then that needs to stick around when your relationship enters the military.  If she all of a sudden develops a stubborn stay-put streak and has a really, really, really hard time with the spontaneity of the military, then that is going to negatively effect the relationship.  (Confession: as a “dreamer” myself, I can attest that it’s harder to fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants when someone–the Army–is forcing you to, rather than you choosing it because you’re whimsical).

Yes, adapting is important.  It’s important to stretch yourself, in order to grow as a person and as a couple.

But you have your roles for a reason.  No one has forced you into those roles…they are the natural ones you have embraced in your relationship.

Often those roles were part of your spark in the beginning, and they played a role in making you “click.”

I’m not saying your relationship role is the singular reason that your relationship happened.  Of course not.  But I do believe it is a defining factor in why you both “work” together.

The girl who loved to homemake in the civilian days was famous for her cooking and cleaning and organizing habits.  Those aspects of her personality fit really well into the relationship.  They were things about her that he appreciated.  They were things about herself that made her feel good.  So she can’t be expected to abandon that sacred role of “homemaker” just because schedules are hectic in military life.  She doesn’t have to.

In the military, your daily role changes constantly, depending on your unit.  Some assignments will mean train, train, train, while others will mean a 6am-3pm day for months.  But you can’t let your changing military role effect your love life role.

The guy who was always creative about dates, who liked to be the initiator for a night of fun, is the guy she fell in love with.  So even when training starts getting in the way, he shouldn’t change his role as creative mind and initiator.  It’s easy to get busy in the military, but it can’t be his excuse to stop asking her out.  He may not be able to initiate the same “friday movie night” he used to as civilians, but he could initiate a morning excursion for coffee on comp day.  He still can.

I realize that I’m generalizing here when I’m describing lovers.  Obviously the spontaneous “fly-by-the-seat” girl is more than spontaneous.  She is flexible.

The homemaker is more than a homemaker.  She is a nurturer.

And the creative initiator of a night of fun is more than a firecracker on the weekends.  He is the leader in their love life.

What I am trying to get at is that within your relationship, you both have roles that you have adopted, voluntarily or naturally.

You didn’t fall in love with your spouse because they had a good position at their civilian job.  You fell in love with them because as an esteemed worker, they had traits of perseverance and self-motivation.  You liked that about them.

And they didn’t fall in love with you because you sent quippy GIFs to them at the end of every text conversation.  It’s because you were funny and joyful and that kind of playfulness created harmony in your relationship.

So while your circumstances of daily life have indeed changed when your relationship turned military, your actual  roles (and their romantic effect on your relationship) doesn’t need to.

It shouldn’t.

Bottom line is: your “roles” were naturally perfect together.  And though they may need to be tweaked here and there, ultimately their core interaction should not change.

The spontaneous one needs to remain flexible.  The homemaker needs to homemake.  The initiator needs to initiate.  The workaholic needs to persevere.  The goofball needs to remain lighthearted.

Those roles are yours and your soldier’s for a reason.  Respect them, embrace them, and enjoy them.  They are completely attainable in a military relationship.  They can function within or outside of one.

So to the dependent who is being told that the only way their relationship will survive the military is if they adapt, adapt, adapt– I say:

Adapt for your soldier, yes, to make your relationship work in the military.  But don’t change the fundamentals of your relationship, i.e. who both of you are in your respective relationship roles.  Because romantically, your roles fit together.  In many ways, your relationship is structured by those roles.

 Learn to adapt life to your relationship, and not the other way around.

 

                                             More in this series:

Military Love: Maximize Your Military Love Life

Military Love: 6 Secrets to Making It Work